Feeling much better though still a bit sad on the inside.  Meo had a party last night, nice and chill with a blender and a bar of astonishing depth and dimensions courtesy of friends of hers, Bev and I helped her decorate by posting certain tips on the walls which I thought I would share since they are the most god awful tips on flirting I have ever read and therefore brilliant.  Now flirting seems to involve a subtle and complex ritual with a PIP (Potentially Interesting Person).  In order to best flirt with a PIP, there were ten tips in total, I’ll only bore you with the best of them…

#2: Whisper…it always gets their attention. Ask them if you can tell them a secret…Then whisper in their ear: ‘I just love your tie…can I buy it from you when you are done with it?’

Can I buy your tie?  What?

#4: Treat men gently…If someone you are not interested in approaches you and flirts …be nice…. All the other men are watching to see what you do. If you laugh after he leaves or show visual disapproval, you are cutting your chances on anyone else approaching you. Try shaking his hand and saying something like: ‘It was so nice of you to approach me…what’s your name? Tom? Tom, I know how hard it is to meet people…I might have a girlfriend who would be interested in you.’

Be nice…now that’s good, it takes balls to go up to someone and given it’s a human being in front of you you should be nice, not because other men are watching…but I do believe only the biggest bitch in the world would be capable of saying what follows.  To all men everywhere, I apologize.

#5: IF he acts like a JERK! Be polite but firm. Hand him a copy of the men’s version of ‘Flirting with Greatness’ and ask him to go practice on someone else. Firmly say that ‘lines’ with sexual overtones are not only not attractive to you but to most other women in the world.

Yeah, cause I always have a copy of those in my pocket.

#7: Become More Irresistible! Show a little leg….wear higher heels…the redder the lipstick the more available and noticeable you will be. Arch your back a little as you sit up tall and cross your legs high. Wear earrings that are interesting enough to make someone comment on them.

Now this sounds a bit more like patrolling for clients rather than dates to me, though I’d rather wear a sign saying available and noticeable than wear bright red lipstick and do that arch the back thing…it starts to hurt after a while!  According to the flirting tip source men don’t appreciate the subtle, so a sign might work better anyway.

#9: Give him a look all over from head to toe – nod with approval and then flash him your most winning smile.

Now men do this to me now and again and I really really hate it (unless we’re already crazy about each other, then it’s much appreciated), if women start to do this back, will they ever learn?  Why wouldn’t you just walk up and say hello?  I did say they were the worst tips ever.

And now for something completely different.  For all of you living in So Cal, the ants are now attacking!  It’s time to use that plastic sheeting and duct tape you bought in case of terrorist attack to seal your houses, stock up on Raid, and whatever you do don’t forget your mail slot!  That was today’s point of entry the sneaky bastards.