I’ve had rather a lot, so I believe I can be held accountable for nothing below…
That said, I had possibly one of the worst days ever. To start with. To end with, I had macaroni and cheese, champagne (purcharsed wth hedonism in mind, always a good idea), and several episodes of Black Books in the company of Celine and Sophy. And it was the best possible of all possible endings. And I am rather happy at the moment.
Still, it doesn’t quite erase the nature of the day, it just puts it into perspective. And I’m feeling rather Ecclesiastical about everything…dust to dust and all is vanity and such like…I can find nothing else to salvage the day’s lessons, the year’s lessons really. Everything crumbles, things fall apart, the center cannot hold…and etc. You spend your life building things and then they just vanish like a breath of air. It was pretty tragic when I lost faith in the current enterprise, but it wasn’t terrible. An intellectual enterprise, and really, if it falls then the few of us involved suffer of course, but it’s not the worst that could happen. Really. Some of us even deserve it. For me, it was simply a loss of happiness and enthusiasm, and I miss them but I’ve cut emotional ties. But today? Oh no, today I realized the loss, or better said ultimate futility, of my work of many years, of blood, sweat, and tears. Of all of my ideals and so many hours and the grey hairs I claim as mine, and the foundation I hoped I had help to lay, and real people who I both love, and acknowedge to be fucked already, and so…well, it’s devastating. Of course, had it just been me building things, playing with a set of tinker toys, it wouldn’t bother me. Sadly, it wasn’t just me, this isn’t about me at all, and other folks haven’t moved on to the champagne course of fuck it all, so it’s much more tragic.
And there’s nothing to do. That’s the worst of it all. This might be the banner day when I lost faith in absolutely everything and had to start all over from scratch. I dunno, maybe it’s not that bad, I might decide in the morning…but I thought I’d write just to memorialize it in case it’s true. It’s definitely a turning point. Though a point I was already headed to. And it’s far too much about me, drinking tends to do that. People lost their jobs today. And other are putting on the warpaint, when that shouldn’t be necessary. And something has been lost which may well never be recovered. Me? I am, quite simply, heartbroken. And I am as far as ever from seeing the way to making things better.